Dating site women - March 2009
First off, before people get the wrong idea, I like women. Physically & emotionally nourishing, often good at pegging back my admittedly inflatable ego, and generally can be just as much as fun as any male friend.
Secondly, some people will probably dismiss me as someone who is socially inept and can't "pick up" women unless I'm on the computer. For what it's worth (very little), I have actually succeeded in the past at bringing girls home, sometimes turning it into relationships, sometimes leaving it at one night.
So, before you write off this as another whinging nerd rant (as if there aren't enough on the Internet), I invite you to read on. Alternatively, if your preconception is rigidly immovable, like Hitler's phallus at the Mardis Gras (he was totally in the closet), you could rapidly engage in an intimate auto-erotic encounter. If you don't get the gist of that alternative, it means GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Now that I've got my little disclaimer out of the way, I ask thou women, what is wrong with you when it comes to dating sites? Granted, men are bad, but at least they mainly fall into two categories: the rampant sex maniac who has space for about two words, maybe three if he prefers oral, and the rest of the blokes who are pretty sedate and looking for a "normal" (for lack of a better word) relationship.
Anyway, since I haven't seen as many mens profiles as I have womens, I thought I'd deconstruct some recurring themes and desires of female profiles, in a highly inaccurate and misleading fashion. At least I'm honest.
"I have a close group of great friends who bring out the best in me"
I have a total of three friends, and we all love to get together, complain about our boyfriends, and generally talk each other up, because men could never do enough to satisfy our holier-than-thou attitudes. If it weren't for them I would be an introverted, pathological demon, so I guess society should be thankful for the "good" end of the stick.
"I love to be treated like a princess and spoiled by my man"
I am a materially obsessed spoilt brat, who will never grow out of throwing juvenile tantrums over birthday presents. Due to my vocational incompetence, you better have enough money to support me if you want to get in between my legs. A whore by any other standard, but I'm as cunning as I am intellectually redundant.
"I love shopping"
I am a blithering idiot who loves nothing more than gawking at overpriced designer brands, wishing I had a man with a limitless credit card.
"I am attracted to men that know what they want and how to get it"
I am a cold-hearted wench in public, an inane conversationalist, and a starfish in bed.
"I would like to meet a man who is intelligent"
Just not intelligent enough to see through my laughably idealistic and prepostorous wish list of personality traits.
Well, that was fun. In a change from the norm for my proudly one-sided site, I'm willing to publish a juxtaposed list regarding mens profiles, by any woman with a sense of humour and some writing skill who wishes to send it in. I also reserve the right to republish it in a mocking way in a sincere attempt to discredit and defame the author. Enticing, isn't it?
About as enticing as a dating sites feminine collection of mollycoddled twits, with a rats maze for a brains, Versace brushed aluminium internal mechanisms, pointlessly pontificating about penile proponents whilst prattling on painfully in perturbed cliches.
P.S. Yes that last paragraph was an afterthought.
P.P.S. I'm not really that bitter, I just make myself laugh thinking about people who would be genuinely offended by my pointless drivel.
Rant disclaimer: if you take any of this seriously you are responsible for your own hilariously hyperventilating reaction. Comments can be posted NOWHERE! Haha! This is my site and you can suffer through it.